Thursday, August 2, 2012

I just typed out quite a lengthy post. But look how quickly I've deleted it. It was self-centered and full of nothing but complaints and can be cut down to:
  • I am never teaching another childrens' class again.
  • Parents terrify me.
  •  I'm sick to death of everything.
  • I'm in a cyclical state of anger and bitterness and contempt for everything and anything. Mainly my self.
  • Brogan's 2nd biopsies came back cancer free.
  • But he needs a vaccine that Joe and I cant afford.
  • I miss the person I was 3 months ago and wish I could just accept the person I apparently have become now and get it over with, rather than constantly being full of hate and loathing.
  • In fact it seems I don't feel much of anything anymore except for anger, anxiety, and stress.
  • I've become very self centered. See how many I's are in this post already?
  • I feel shallow, superficial, daft, clueless, flighty. 
  • My appetite is still through the roof and I'm at my wits end over it.
  • The weather has been awful; disgustingly hot for weeks on end, soon to be months.
  • My student loans are in default and any day now it'll be the government banging down my door instead of sallie mae. I have no money for them no matter who's doing the calling.
  • All I do is complain.
  • I should be happy: Brogan is not dying so swiftly. I'll be in Ireland soon. I have a big-girl internship that should be enjoyable. 
  • So...what gives?

Sometimes, increasingly more often actually, it seems the only thing to do is to start smoking cigarettes again because I cannot take this any longer.
Although each day and night my mind says "I'm done, I can't do this, I quit, I can't take it," and I still haven't smoked even one drag.

But I feel miserable and I don't know what to do.

1 comment:

  1. Yet again, most of this is familiar. Some of the details are different, but I'm going through a very similar phase.

    I suspect there are a lot of of complex emotional and psychological issues here. I doubt they're caused by quitting smoking; I think it's more that the lack of cigarettes has removed a comfort source, which the food craving is trying to compensate for. I think you're stuck in a circumstantial pressure loop which the artistic nature doesn't handle too well. That sort of thing requires the application of traits either not present or underdeveloped in our kind of psyche. I suspect you're a classic HSP type who will always have this problem, and that eventually you'll learn to ride it.

    For now, I think the best hope is a complete change of environment and focus, which Ireland will hopefully provide.

    And it isn't self-centered to let all this out; it's just a bit of a safety valve. HSP types tend to implode if they don't have a safety valve.

    Glad to hear Brogan is doing OK, and I hope lady luck brings the means to provide the medication.

    Take heart, Kaetlyn. I go through this kind of thing often, and I'm still here.